Coming and Going

Where I live someone is always coming or going.  We have Naval Academy traffic, D.C. traffic, separation and divorce traffic and elderly-needing-rare-elevator traffic.  Those of us who stay longer than a few months or a year are mostly (sorry, neighbors) "older".  We watch the youngsters come and go and discuss how the people are always changing in our "mansion".

I was the newbie only 2 1/2 years ago.  Shortly after I moved in I learned I had entered the "fun building".  Everyone was so friendly, parties were a regular event, and I was even invited to my first Hanukkah celebration!  I was painfully withdrawn but put on a good front in the hallway (I still do).  I never went to any of the parties and eventually all the "fun" neighbors, one by one, moved on.  Everyone has somewhere else to go.  The "movers" are only here as a stop-over.  Homes are being sought or waited on, love is growing with hopes of merging two homes into one, reconciliations are hoped for...then, eventually, the mansion is transformed yet again with  new faces full of hope and  old faces - resigned to stay.

I am missing Number 14 and Charlie, in particular.  Charlie warmly invited me into his home and sang for me on day One of Hanukkah.  He always was ready to offer a kind hug of support.   Number 14 used to call up to my open widow hoping I would come out of my cocoon and speak. Or take a walk.  Or act alive.  It is embarrassing now to recall, but it was a perfect example of the situation in which the depressed person finds herself.  She wants to take that walk and talk to the friend, but cannot.  She wishes her friend wouldn't give up "calling to the window", but he does.  It is inevitable, and sad.  Who is more sorrowful, the dark Rapunzel beyond the glass or the weary friend who can't call up one more time?  Well, my sorrow is for the friend, of course.

Thanks to Facebook I can still keep up with my long lost friends.  They are always smiling and happy.  They are out in the world DOING THINGS.  Number 14 is an actor (!) and Charlie has married the most beautiful babe (his Barbara)....I am so happy for them.  I am reminded of hope for better days when I see my friends living their lives and moving forward.  I guess I am moving forward as well, in my own way.  It saddens me to see how my reclusive behavior has put off my friends.  It is sad to admit I am a very bad "friend".  But today I am not beating myself up over it...again.  I realize it is a symptom of the beast and I plan on doing some moving myself. . .

Next time a voice calls up to my window of shame....I plan on GETTING UP and looking out and saying,  Not now, dear, I have a headache.