All Soul's Day Prayer - November 2

Prayer Commemoration of all the Faithful Departed

All Soul's Day

November 2

Just as Jesus died and rose again, 

so will the Father bring with Him 

those who have died in Jesus.

Just as in Adam all men will die,

so in Christ all will be made alive.

God our Father, we ask that you will hear our prayers

and bring us consolation in our lives,

as we remember in our prayers 

all our loved ones who have died.

We pray that they will have 

received the promise of eternal life, 

and that they are with you 

in experiencing the joy of heaven.

Replace our sorrow with your joy,

our grief with your peace, 

and may we glorify you in our

remembrance of them.

We ask this through our Lord Jesus Christ,

your Son, who lives and reigns with you

and the Holy Spirit, one God forever and ever.

Amen.

Facing the Strain

I hate it when I perceive the mind/brain spiral down.  It is really like going down Alice's rabbit hole...down, down, down. And, it's gets cooler and damper and darker the further down you go. I am reading my crazy friends' blogs every day now and I feel so much better, because everyone is going through the same journey...I am not the only one with brain matter oozing out of my ears.  We all say the same thing:

"I don't blame my mental illness on (fill in the blank) but as I've come to learn..."

And then our loved ones respond, typically,  in one of a few ways:

1.)  "Oh good, you are better."

2.)  "Oh crap, what do I have to learn/do/put up with/say now?"

3.)  "Wait! Don't change! Go back to being the one I know.

                                                           

I have yet to investigate how all my crazy friends thought patterns move after hearing these responses.  Whether physically or spiritually, my head is usually in my hands.  The "thought-pattern" usually does it's negative spiral-down, and I obsess over how to make this loved one...understand.  I obsess over why I am spiraling down. Then  I often think about why it is so important to be understood...as a crazy human walking the earth (?).  Perhaps we should just be content with all the changes, and misunderstandings,  face them, and act as if...nothing is amiss.  Maybe not caring anymore if anyone on the earth understands this poor mind is the key.  I am thinking that this new idea I have heard about may be good:  stop looking...back.  Novel ideas and sarcasm....may work.

Head Full of Doubt

The Tongue, Hyperbole and Sadness

Let not many of you become teachers, my brethren, for you know that we who teach shall be judged with greater strictness.  For we all make many mistakes, and if any one makes no mistakes in what he says he is a perfect man, able to bridle the whole body also.  If we put bits into the mouths of horses that they may obey us,

we guide their whole bodies.

Look at the ships also; though they are so great and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs.  

So

the tongue is a little member and boasts of great things.  How great a forest is set ablaze by a small fire!

And the tongue is a fire.  The tongue is an unrighteous world among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire

the cycle of nature, and set on fire by hell.

For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being

can tame the tongue - a restless evil,

full of deadly poison.

With it we bless the Lord

and Father,

and with it we curse men, 

who are made in the likeness of God.

From the same mouth come blessing and cursing.  My brethren, this ought not to be so.  Does a spring pour forth from the same opening fresh water and brackish?  Can a fig tree, my brethren, yield olives, or a grapevine figs?  No more can salt water

yield fresh.

             James 3:1-12

Jesus said,  Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him if a great millstone were hung round his neck and he were thrown into the sea.

And if your hand causes you to sin, cut it off; it is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go to hell, to the unquenchable fire.  And if your foot causes you to sin, cut it off; it is better for you to enter life lame than with two feet to be thrown into hell.  And

if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out; it is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into hell, where their worm does not die, and the fire is not quenched.  For every one will be salted with fire.  Salt is good; but if the salt has lost its saltiness, how will you season it?  Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with one another.

Mark 9:42-49

What if it were YOUR only son?

The name of the game shouldn't be "Why, Why, Why?"  Or, "What if, What if?", but it often is...the name of the game.  Perhaps we don't think about it until it hits us like the proverbial two-by-four, but if God always brings good from evil for those who love Him, then asking, "Why," and "What if," must be a beneficial use of mind-time.  How else may we show others (and ourselves) the Love of Jesus Christ?  There is an answer, albeit a mysterious one, to why God allows evil on the earth.

I have been reminded of the movie, Sophie's Choice, many times since I first watched it.  The idea is that poor Sophie (upon arriving at a concentration camp during WWII) had no choice but to choose which of her two children she would turn over to SS guards to be exterminated.  She gave up her daughter and kept her son.  The outcome was bad and would have been either way.  Sophie, in my opinion made the wrong choice years before.  Sophie's wrong choice was to say no to helping the resistance long before she even had children.  Finding herself unable to choose, and yet choosing, was merely one in many bad choices in her tragic life.  (((Suicide is the end for our heroine.)))

When I heard the homily (below) by this good and accented Father, I was...captured.  I hope you will give it the few minutes it requires.  Then ponder for yourself the question...

Guilt

Emotional blogger has foggy can't-blog-guilt.

This is for Ben.

Reality Day

It is another day in the life but on this lovely fall morning it - is - another reality day.  We all have them now and then.  Some of us more than others.  The homeless, the hungry and poor, the mentally ill, addicts....those imprisoned.  For these and many others, reality hits them in the face every day and is new every morning...like the mercies of God.  In our prosperous, carefree country some never see a reality day until they attend their first funeral,  hold their first newborn baby, or maybe, read the parts of the news they like to avoid.

On this crisp and colorful day, I realize early that I am having my own new reality day.  Part of my new reality is fabulously fabulous and mind-blowingly-wonderful.  The other is horribly horrible and mind-numbingly-devastating.  A "pow" moment, to be sure.. (right in the kisser, my dear dad would say) to awaken to a changed world.  And in my case,  as a emotional- MDD- sufferer-clawing out of the dark place,  the fabulously fabulous things are gifts for kings (((she is humbled))) but the sorrowful and devastating events in my world are also loving touches of Almighty God (and a gift shared with the Queen).  What would appear to be a real cause for "derailment" for one such as I (how-to-claw-out with such diverse emotions pummeling my poor brain?) is easy to embrace because (((God is whispering))).   I have learned too many times the incomprehensible truth which lies inside of our "yes" to God:  when embraced it becomes as the sweetest honey for the soul.

New reality - new "yes" ... repaying love for Love with the help of God's grace.

Thanks,  Lisa, for sending the music which heals.

Why Not Be Bothered?

I am bothered by many things and I think it is perfectly acceptable to be so.  I reject the conclusion that crazy people aren't allowed to have legitimate passionately emotional feelings about something...or that their high emotions should be suspect. So, here is my working list:

I am bothered that Alice Cooper recorded the song:  You and Me in 1977.

I am bothered, still, about Sinead O'Connor ripping up the Pope's picture...
because I am bothered that I love her music...

I am bothered that the world thinks the Doobie Brothers always had stupid Michael McDonald in the band.

I am bothered about the name bitch in songs (((and from mouths))).

I am bothered that no one appreciates Five for Fighting.

I am bothered that Amy is dead.

I am bothered that Michael is dead.

I am bothered that apartment living equals music no louder than a volume 10.

(((just bothered.  and these are only the sophomoric things which bother me.  better hide. today.)))

The Uneasiness of Ben

he remembers always feeling
the feeling
fear, concern, unsteadiness, Uneasiness.


part of him retreats to the safe cocoon
part is a man
he must fight back, compensate, run.


road burn became mind burn
everyone saw it
we must fight back, compensate, run.


The Uneasiness of Ben is my mirror
coming, going, shadows and light
i'm fighting for you, compensating, running but not away.


my Ben
my love

Inner Child

I purchased all the "inner child" books years ago.  I tried to "do the work".  I decided way back then that
"it" was a load-of-crap...as they say. (((See above cartoon and tell ME if you get it.)))  I began to change my closed mind sometime during the last nine months or so.  Just the other day it hit me like the proverbial wet dish-rag.  (((is that a mid-west saying?)))  I refuse to name books or rant about the crap (sorry) therein.  Instead the little positive mental-bio-feedback I am discovering is what I'll give space to in my brain.

Acknowledging that you have an "inner child" takes some humility, I have found.  I have only mentioned the topic to one person who didn't mock the idea and shut down the conversation.  I didn't mind, of course, because I'd rather not go there anyway.  I shut this convo down in my own head whenever it pops in.  But when someone I know recently said that the "child in me" was showing, I entered complete panic-mode.  Could it be that not only do I have an inner child whom I must "deal with", but (((horror of horrors))) someone else may even see this child?  Well, I have vowed not to cuss and swear while ranting here so let me say:  damn.

The "inner child checklist" is a real blast, you may get an idea here -have fun.


It will take me days, I predict, before I think too much about my inner child.  Now time must be taken, instead, to make sure this inner child revealer is silenced and the elusive "inner child" is tucked away somewhere, or given a halloween costume.  Something must be done.  I just don't know what yet.  I do know, for me, the work won't look like the cute cartoon above.  It will probably look more like this:

You understand my hesitation to go there.

Thin Ice of a New Day

Suicidal Ideation - Part I - Visiting your Loved One

It was agreed upon by all parties involved that I would have to write about suicide in many parts.  Who knows when my brain will catch up with my hopes and I will once again be able to put my research to good use.  For now, instead of the gory, beautiful, frighteningly-over-the-top suicide art, and painfully true stories and medical data,  I offer something for wondering hearts:  your suicidal loved one isn't always, "selfish" (if at all), as you may believe; and, they may or may not just be "looking for attention".  The suicidal gesture is an action of self-harm indicating suicidal intent.  Your loved one's journey began in his brain and no one knew what to do when they saw it.  You don't know what to do now.

The suicidal gamble happens when your loved one intentionally, exhibits potentially fatal behavior.  They engage in this because of the chance of rescue.  So, the person's suicidal ideation, it seems to me, is the place to begin when attempting to discuss with your loved one why they behave as they do, sometimes.  We don't have to have an entire script at hand, or memorized, or even "figured out" before we approach our suicidal beloved.  One thought to "go in with" is sufficient, I believe.  One heart which aches over the pain, loss, and suffering of your loved one will guide you through the remainder (if there is one) of your visit.  We must expect nothing and be open to everything.

Don't ask how you make that contact in the first place.  I would never be able to give one sure answer.  All I know is don't stop....trying.

Contemplating Contemplation

I have been contemplating contemplation lately.  The moment I begin though,  I see the amber warning light that care must be taken or an accident will occur.  What seems to be now,  second nature  to me in my life when I am living it has become a mass of confusion when I attempt to explain it.  Contemplation, like meditation, is easier said than done as it is, throw in a little Major Depressive Disorder, and you've got more than a few forks in the road;  you've got a real party in your head.   Not only do things like expressing yourself as you used to back-in-the-day become almost impossible, but good advice you remember and may want to share looks like a jumbled mess when seen on paper/satan's screen.  So for now, I will put fingers-to-keys and let others (rightly) speak for me.

Thomas Merton, in his, New Seeds of Contemplation, says:  

Contemplation is the highest expression of man's intellectual and spiritual life...proceed(ing) from an invisible, transcendent and infinitely abundant Source...above all, awareness of the reality of that Source.  It knows the Source, obscurely, inexplicably, but with a certitude that goes both beyond reason and beyond simple faith.  For contemplation is a kind of spiritual vision to which both reason and faith aspire, by their very nature, because without it they must always remain incomplete.  Yet contemplation is not vision because it sees "without seeing" and knows "without knowing." It is a more profound depth of faith, a knowledge too deep to be grasped in images, in words or even in clear concepts.  It can be suggested by words, by symbols, but in the very moment of trying to indicate what it knows the contemplative mind takes back what it has said, and denies what it has affirmed....

So, wow.  Who can describe or know the unknown/unknowing?  (See:  Contemplative Prayer, Thomas Merton; and, The Cloud of Unknowing, Ed. Johnston, etc.)  I am reminded of an unforgettable visit to Jesus in The Box.  I was being overly-scrupulous (((again))) so Father gave me, as penance, a walk in nature to enjoy the beauty of God.  Of course I thought I had POOF landed in a old Jesuit's box!  (ha)  I even had to repent to Number Three Son because I mocked said good priest.  The brisk, get-it-over-with, I-don't-get-it penance-walk did lead to my contemplative journey, though.  Thanks be to God.

Merton continues:

Poetry, music and art have something in common with the contemplative experience.  But contemplation is beyond aesthetic intuition, beyond art, beyond poetry.  Indeed, it is also beyond philosophy, beyond speculative theology.  It resumes, transcends and fulfills them all, and yet at the same time it seems, in a certain way, to supersede and to deny them all.

...contemplation seems to supersede and to discard every other form of intuition and experience - whether in art, in philosophy, in theology, in liturgy or in ordinary levels of love and of belief... (but) it is and must be compatible with all these things, for it is their highest fulfillment.  But in the actual experience of contemplation all other experiences are momentarily lost.  They "die" to be born again on a higher level of life.

...contemplation reaches out to the knowledge and even to the experience of the transcendent and inexpressible God.  It knows God by seeming to touch Him.  Or rather it knows Him as if it had been invisibly touched by Him...

This is a new favorite book I am plowing through - A Spirituality for Real Life

I have been reading this for 16 years and humbly suggest it as a learn-to-pray guide*:

 *Note:  365 days a year she will give you a different book which taught her to pray.

Happy and blessed contemplating contemplation!  Being cautious of the amber lights means that you, dear reader,  must stop before your excessive contemplating makes it impossible to contemplate anything atall.

Duck Outing

Will be outing ducks this day, with darling grandson.  peaceOUT!

Coming and Going

Where I live someone is always coming or going.  We have Naval Academy traffic, D.C. traffic, separation and divorce traffic and elderly-needing-rare-elevator traffic.  Those of us who stay longer than a few months or a year are mostly (sorry, neighbors) "older".  We watch the youngsters come and go and discuss how the people are always changing in our "mansion".

I was the newbie only 2 1/2 years ago.  Shortly after I moved in I learned I had entered the "fun building".  Everyone was so friendly, parties were a regular event, and I was even invited to my first Hanukkah celebration!  I was painfully withdrawn but put on a good front in the hallway (I still do).  I never went to any of the parties and eventually all the "fun" neighbors, one by one, moved on.  Everyone has somewhere else to go.  The "movers" are only here as a stop-over.  Homes are being sought or waited on, love is growing with hopes of merging two homes into one, reconciliations are hoped for...then, eventually, the mansion is transformed yet again with  new faces full of hope and  old faces - resigned to stay.

I am missing Number 14 and Charlie, in particular.  Charlie warmly invited me into his home and sang for me on day One of Hanukkah.  He always was ready to offer a kind hug of support.   Number 14 used to call up to my open widow hoping I would come out of my cocoon and speak. Or take a walk.  Or act alive.  It is embarrassing now to recall, but it was a perfect example of the situation in which the depressed person finds herself.  She wants to take that walk and talk to the friend, but cannot.  She wishes her friend wouldn't give up "calling to the window", but he does.  It is inevitable, and sad.  Who is more sorrowful, the dark Rapunzel beyond the glass or the weary friend who can't call up one more time?  Well, my sorrow is for the friend, of course.

Thanks to Facebook I can still keep up with my long lost friends.  They are always smiling and happy.  They are out in the world DOING THINGS.  Number 14 is an actor (!) and Charlie has married the most beautiful babe (his Barbara)....I am so happy for them.  I am reminded of hope for better days when I see my friends living their lives and moving forward.  I guess I am moving forward as well, in my own way.  It saddens me to see how my reclusive behavior has put off my friends.  It is sad to admit I am a very bad "friend".  But today I am not beating myself up over it...again.  I realize it is a symptom of the beast and I plan on doing some moving myself. . .

Next time a voice calls up to my window of shame....I plan on GETTING UP and looking out and saying,  Not now, dear, I have a headache.

Cranes in Trees

this happens to me

non-complaining evening

DERAILED

the goal and the hope

but often this happens

new hope for this

not an uncomfortable place 

Early Morning Crabber

Early morning crabber

Silent Retreat Sunday

+Wishing you a cleansing Day of the Lord+

Silent Retreating/Mental Health Day

Therese of Lisieux - Empty Hands

My God, I love you!

As the years go by, the story of this soul becomes more and more meaningful in my life.  Today we celebrate the life and entry into heaven of St. Therese of Lisieux, the Little Flower, as she is lovingly referred to by Catholics young and old. The more I read The Story of a Soul, the more young Therese's words help me put my mind in a less tangled mess.  I get this same feeling when I read Lisa Graas and Natasha Tracy, but that is another blog.

Therese suffered the agony of tuberculosis and the agony of abandonment by God. The darkness. The pain.  She wrote:

"...the mists round me have become denser than ever;  they sink deep into my soul and wrap it round so that I can't recover the dear image...everything has disappeared."

"...sometimes, its true, a tiny ray of light pierces through the darkness, and then, just for a moment, the ordeal is over; but immediately afterward the memory of it brings me no  happiness, it seems to make the darkness thicker than ever."

"You mean, to lose! Jesus takes it upon Himself to fill your soul, in the measure that you rid it of its imperfections. I see that you have taken the wrong road; you will never arrive at the end of your journey. You are wanting to climb a great mountain, and the good God is trying to make you descend it; He is waiting for you at the bottom in the fertile valley of humility."

"I know that certain spiritual directors advise us to count our virtuous acts in order to advance in perfection. But my spiritual director, Jesus, does not teach me to count my acts. He teaches me to do it all for love."

More than ever I realized the degree to which your love is sister to mine, since it is called to go up to God by the lift of love, not to climb the rough stairway of fear."

In the evening of this life I shall appear before You empty-handed, for I do not ask You, Lord, to count my works. All our justices have stains in Your sight. So I want to be clad in Your own Justice, and receive from Your Love the possession of Yourself. I want no other Throne or other Crown than You, 0 my Beloved."

Today is a silent day where the words of others will replace my own.  Empty hands...empty mind.