Prognosis: Recovery Unlikely

The old point in John Calvin's idea of salvation caused some to embrace the term:  frozen chosen.  These folks are assured of their salvation and if they died today they know they will be in heaven...immediately.  "Once saved always saved" is the line, and a very comforting one at that.  Your "condition" was etched in stone.  Like the Calvinist's salvation, I have been told that my depressive disorder is mine forever.  It is major,  it is a disorder, and once you get it you always have it...there is no cure.   Something is majorly out of order.   When one calls the "repairman"  one is met with many responses.  Pills.  Talk Therapy.  Psychotherapy.  Support groups.  Behavior Modification.  Exercise.  Eat ... food... three times a day.  Keep the schedule of sleeping and rising at the "heroic moment" - the moment one opens one's eyes... make the Morning Offering and get up!  This is the way to live with depression.  You hang on.

Number One Son recently told me he is proud of me.  Proud of me for getting out of the house.  Proud.  This really stopped me in my unsteady tracks.  I was embarrassed at first.  I am proud of him, he isn't supposed to be proud of me, I thought.   Does he think I am in remission?   At least he is happy to see me as I am.  He is one of the few people I have let in to see me in the darkest place.  I could never repay him for all he did for me during those times.  In the end I was very happy to have a proud son.   Number Two Daughter has been doing the requested, "please check on me once a day"  work I've read about, and I didn't even ask HER for this kindness.   I had asked three different people for this favor...but they must have forgotten.  It doesn't seem to be a big deal,  but it is.  It really, really, really helps and makes me feel connected to the scary world out there...and to my beloved children and to... life.  I had thought, once,  in the very darkness of depression, that I would show my children how to die:  trusting in the mercy of God and accepting all from His loving hands with joy.  Now I think I am showing them how to live - all the time fighting the Major Depressive Disorder demon.

There is no cure for MDD,  so "they" say,  but there is a lot of advice as to how to live with it.  So, what if we do everything on the list?  What if life's events take a positive turn around?  What if troubled children are healed of their own demons?  What if estranged family members reconcile?  What if one finds happiness in everything and everyone around them?  What if one's life changes for the better?  Is the prognosis good, then?  Does our depression go into remission when life's events begin to go well?  What if days or weeks go by like this and those around us think we are cured?  What if during this time you are the only one who knows that hidden inside you are equally sad and happy at the same time?  (Laughing on the outside/crying on the inside.)  What if depression does show even when "everything is going so well?  When this happens no one can understand...why are we so sad when everything is "looking up"?  When loved ones give you a list of everything that is good in your life and then ask how you can choose to stay in the dark place, what do you say?  No one seems to understand that you do not choose to stay.  Love is an act of the will, why can't we train our brains to be "normal"?  Why can't we will mental health?

What is the prognosis?  Unlikely to recover.  Why?  Were you born with something irreversible or did you acquire it along life's unkind path?  I'm sure I don't know.  After I wrote I Want to Fix You (found here),  friends and family members told me they understood, finally.  I heard words of acceptance and offers of help...but still it sounded like they wanted to and thought they could:  fix me.  Or that I could fix myself.  Perhaps the fix will happen...perhaps "they" were wrong when I was diagnosed.  Perhaps I will have a very long remission.  Perhaps today I will be happy, active and "fine" and tomorrow I will be in the darkness again.  Unlikely to recover.  Even writers with MDD speak of "normal times."  When you see me happy do I appear "normal?"  If there is a list of symptoms which proves my disorder is there a list which proves I am normal?  Is it all just the opposite of my list?  For now I am hopeful for one day of normal.  I wish for one day where all is normal and good.  A day that my children don't feel sorrow, loss or pity when they look at their mother.  A day where my friends may enjoy my company and not feel as though they must be on a mission.  A day of peace.

I do have a few friends who insist I am normal.  They don't see the neurological pathways in my head.  They think I arrive at the station on the same train they are on.  I flip-flop around on that one...alternating between worrying for my friends' mental health (for crazy-thinking)  and loving them even more for thinking I am normal.
Today I'll concentrate on the loving and not on the worrying...all the while hanging on to that invisible rope...