Suicidal Ideation is a common medical term for thoughts about suicide, which may be as detailed as a formulated plan, without the suicidal act itself. Although most people who undergo suicidal ideation do not commit suicide, some go on to make suicide attempts. The range of suicidal ideation varies greatly from fleeting to detailed planning, role playing and unsuccessful attempts, which may be deliberately constructed to fail or be discovered, or may be fully intended to succeed.
I wrote about visiting your depressed loved ones some time ago. Since then I have spoken to many people about what they can do to help their depressed friends. I have shared stories of depressed friends, suicidal friends, friends who feel "hopeless", friends and family members who have died depressed. Sharing real life stories seems to help the depressed one's loved ones understand what goes on in the mind of someone suffering from mental illness. Like my friend, Natasha Tracy, I like to define my own "crazy", and do not like the term: mental illness. Like Natasha, it brings to my mind a cartoon of someone with their "brains oozing out of their ears". So, I define my own crazy and defend everyone's right to do the same. I accept other's stories - with no interrogation. (((No one can. No one should.))) Your crazy and my crazy are ours. We can dwell in our world and "deal with" our issues as they come. We like to live in the present moment, whether we dwell here with the Lord Jesus Christ, or whether we dwell here with a small, flickering light, which keeps us wanting to live; we still live and breathe in the present moment, led by someOne, or someThing. You enter this "crazy" world and you wish to help. You don't know what to do.
So when our loved one asks us what they can do to help us, what do we say? What do we say to our friend who suffers watching us suffer? Call me once a day and check on me. Bring me something to eat, please. Play music for me. Tell me everything will be ok. Tell me you accept me as I am. Tell me that you love me, no matter what. Tell me this is only "a time"... that this will pass. It always does. Did I say, bring me something to eat? I need to "keep the schedule"... encourage me to keep the schedule. The "heroic moment" when awaking in the morning is crucial. Please encourage me to keep the hours, eat, pray, love. Tell me that what I am doing has value. I may think or wish that today would be my last day on earth, but this doesn't mean I love you less, or not at all. Suicidal ideation does not mean I will commit the act. Suicidal ideation can come to me without my willing it. Suicidal ideation tells you that I am weary. The fight is bitter. The days are long. I wish it were over. But it doesn't mean I am ready to die. It doesn't mean I want to die. But even if the present moment is one where I tell you I want to die...understand that I need to say it. It does not mean that I will "do it".
So, dear friend, keep doing what you are doing. My sadness is filled with love for you. I know you suffer watching me suffer. This is torture for this small brain. But I will keep on keeping on. Not just because I have to or want to...but even because of you. And when I am very sad and "unresponsive" except to say, Thank you, I love you ... please believe me.
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