I Want to Fix You

Nooooooooooo!  I scream, but you can't hear.  I am silently screaming when you arrive at the door of my dark place and say you want to help, help, I said help and fix me.  What will everyone do next?  Hope springs eternal that I will have an EpicEpiphany and realize that, Yes, you are here in the presence of darkness and you have the magic words, potion, idea...food.  Light will be just around THIS corner and the fresh, bright, clean, non-threatening air will fill my lungs once again.  Or, perhaps, You would have the GrandEpiphany and determine that this situation should really go one of two ways.  You should just follow Sheryl Crow's advice and if you want to reach me; just leave me alone;  Or, you could decide to know me instead of determining that you must fix me.

It's popular now, fixing things:  fixing people, brains, body parts,  did I say body parts?   I enjoy fixing many things myself, especially scraggly hair (!) and negative thought patterns, for example. So there! While you think I am doing nothing toward "fixing myself" I am in reality quite busy.  You know very well how "busy" it is in my head...I am even allowed to joke about the many people in there and their thoughts, needs, and desires. I am the one in charge of defining my own "crazy".  I love that job, especially because it allows me all the procrastination time I like, and it's new every day.  So the issue isn't that I am in denial that I need repairs done but that when you come to my dark place to visit me,  I wish you came to see me...know me - not fix me.

I do know that a walk would do me good.  I know that I feel better (((some times))) after I have gone out and visited with friends.  (((I know that Everytime I visit darling Grandson Number 2  I am always better, way better.)))  I know that I should eat food and... keep the routine.  I do appreciate all of that and most especially the food part - when you bring it or prepare it for me.  The other things which are too embarrassing to discuss but which are as crucial as food, those who know, know.  Those who don't but wish to know just need to ask their depressed loved one.  The dark place and everything which surrounds it is an extremely difficult place to be for the "well" person in this scenario.  I do feel horrible when I see that glazed-over blank stare from otherwise familiar eyes, when I'm trying to speak from my crazied but fantastic mind.... well...still I want to rant even though I feel badly for you.

The only other "fixing issue" I have is the one which comes after I'm trying to tell you something I think is important and you instantly answer that what I said was,  nonsensical and/or was in keeping with my "usual downward-spiral thought pattern".  I hate it when my own words are used "against me".  And I can't even win saying THAT.  (((Yet another piece of negativity evidence.)))  And yet it IS true.  Most times I can't express myself without someone correcting me...or including some missing piece of My puzzle.  It is indeed puzzling...which seems to add to my original communication problem.  Again, alas.

The "Fix You" song is popular in the mental health community...the reason is obvious.  I must admit, after every crazy, ranting, negative thing I've said... Coldplay could come over and fix me, I'm sure.