Our Kids are Killing Themselves!

I remember saying these horror-filled words to a friend of mine over ten years ago.  A second friend of my sons' had taken his own life.  It had only been six months since dear, sweet, troubled Mark had used a gun to end his torment.  Now another teenager had jumped off a bridge.  On this morning in March my living room was full of young men in suits, quietly sitting and waiting to leave for the funeral of this honor student and friend.  The phone rang and I learned my own adoptive father had died after battling cancer for a year.  In retrospect I see this as the time that my own depression changed from a small battle of the mind to a full war...body, soul and mind.  The effect of these two young men taking themselves from the earth on their friends was profound.  Some became stronger, some cynical.  A few, I know, have severe drug problems, even now, ten years later.

Yesterday I learned the horrible happened again.  This time it is my youngest son's friend.  Again, as a mother, I am in anguish.  Our children are killing themselves!  It sounds so harsh.  It is.  I really have no words to express my emotions.  The face of my own child reveals the sorrow in my heart.  My own son's eyes cause the blood to drip from my heart... thoughts of Steve's mother.....my thoughts of Steve.

The memories I have of Steve are few but they flash across my mind like lasers, bobbing past so quickly I can't focus.  I remember things I said to him, to see if he would talk, or smile.  It makes me very sad.  I remember my own young friends' funerals in the 1970's.  Most died of overdoses.  I was a very young "wet behind the ears" druggie.  I did learn, during this time, about "when to stop."  I wonder what my sons have learned seeing what they have seen.  I don't even like repeating what has happened again.

I stared for a long time at Steve's Facebook photo.  He had recently changed it.  He looked as if he knew what he was planning to do.  He looked sad. Resolute.   He had listed a friend as a brother.  He had photos of happy times posted.  A dear young friend of his, and mine, left a message which said:  Well, you changed the world now.   And he has.

I hope I have an opportunity to discuss the Communion of Saints with my dear, sorrowful son.  I will ask this of the Lord.  I am comforted to pray for Steve and ask him to help us now.  I know he holds a special place in the hearts of Jesus and Mary.  I hope he knows he holds a special place in mine.  I am praying as well for eyes and heart open to learn what I should be learning now, through another tragedy.  So far I know I should be praying constantly for everyone going through such horrors.  Off I go. 

For Steve

May 25, 1991-August 13, 2011

+JMJ+