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Monday, February 20, 2012

Personality


What happens when some of your friends like you when you are taking anti-depressants and some don't?  What happens when some of your loved ones think you are fabulous when you are sober and some think you are really fun and interesting after you have had two Kahlua and Creams?  What happens when you don't like your personality in any of these situations?  Or, perhaps one state is good at one time and the other is fine at another time?  Who is right?  Who will decide when I am in my best state?  Which personality is the best?  It hasn't been a fun joke for some months now, but it was fun for a while....talking about the voices in my head and how (((we all))) needed to confer... the "personalities".  The phase of the process now, for me, it to recover who I really am and accept that others won't like me as I am. 

This is what we, who aren't in the business, call:  clawing one's way out.  Say a prayer for me, friend.  It is almost + Lent +
I am giving up hating again.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Crashed


I have crashed again.  Who is surprised?  Who thought it would never happen again?  Not me.  I just find myself surprised at how intense the pain is.  I am surprised that I forgot what this feels like.  I am surprised that I am surprised!  It's like the woman who forgets the pain of childbirth.  I was pacing my apartment wondering where the red flag was that I missed.  I've prayed.  I bathed.  I ate.  I still "want to jump."  It does feel like a never ending test.  

Monday, February 13, 2012

Suicidal Ideation - Part II - What to do


Suicidal Ideation is a common medical term for thoughts about suicide, which may be as detailed as a formulated plan, without the suicidal act itself.  Although most people who undergo suicidal ideation do not commit suicide, some go on to make suicide attempts.  The range of suicidal ideation varies greatly from fleeting to detailed planning, role playing and unsuccessful attempts, which may be deliberately constructed to fail or be discovered, or may be fully intended to succeed.

I wrote about visiting your depressed loved ones some time ago.  Since then I have spoken to many people about what they can do to help their depressed friends.  I have shared stories of depressed friends, suicidal friends, friends who feel "hopeless", friends and family members who have died depressed. Sharing real life stories seems to help the depressed one's loved ones understand what goes on in the mind of someone suffering from mental illness.  Like my friend, Natasha Tracy, I like to define my own "crazy", and do not like the term:  mental illness.  Like Natasha, it brings to my mind a cartoon of someone with their "brains oozing out of their ears".  So, I define my own crazy and defend everyone's right to do the same.  I accept other's stories - with no interrogation.  (((No one can.  No one should.)))  Your crazy and my crazy are ours.  We can dwell in our world and "deal with" our issues as they come.  We like to live in the present moment, whether we dwell here with the Lord Jesus Christ, or whether we dwell here with a small, flickering light, which keeps us wanting to live; we still live and breathe in the present moment, led by someOne, or someThing.  You enter this "crazy" world and you wish to help.  You don't know what to do.

So when our loved one asks us what they can do to help us, what do we say?  What do we say to our friend who suffers watching us suffer?   Call me once a day and check on me.  Bring me something to eat, please.  Play music for me.  Tell me everything will be ok.  Tell me you accept me as I am.  Tell me that you love me, no matter what.  Tell me this is only "a time"... that this will pass.  It always does.   Did I say, bring me something to eat?  I need to "keep the schedule"... encourage me to keep the schedule.  The "heroic moment" when awaking in the morning is crucial.  Please encourage me to keep the hours, eat, pray, love.  Tell me that what I am doing has value.  I may think or wish that today would be my last day on earth, but this doesn't mean I love you less, or not at all.  Suicidal ideation does not mean I will commit the act.  Suicidal ideation can come to me without my willing it.  Suicidal ideation tells you that I am weary.  The fight is bitter.  The days are long.  I wish it were over.  But it doesn't mean I am ready to die.  It doesn't mean I want to die.  But even if the present moment is one where I tell you I want to die...understand that I need to say it.  It does not mean that I will "do it".

So, dear friend, keep doing what you are doing.  My sadness is filled with love for you.  I know you suffer watching me suffer.  This is torture for this small brain.  But I will keep on keeping on.  Not just because I have to or want to...but even because of you.  And when I am very sad and "unresponsive" except to say, Thank you, I love you ... please believe me.




Monday, February 6, 2012

Emotional Abuse


Depression is often caused by emotional abuse by a loved one.  I have received numerous emails from Facebookville friends who appreciate seeing the National Suicide Hotline Number on my "wall".  Often I read stories about troubled children, siblings and spouses.  I never give advice but I often suggest books, blogs or links to good resources.  Lilac Lanefound here, is one of the sites I have found to be very helpful for many people.

Patricia Evans is an interpersonal communications specialist and the author of five books on the topic of verbal abuse.  I have read all of her books and highly recommend them.  She speaks here about verbal abuse and what a verbally abusive relationship is.


May Almighty God bless you with peace.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Putting out Fires



You know I'm going to rant with that title.  The week from hell continues far beyond eight days for me.  First my used cat just up and died.  I did want to give him away but I did not want to watch him cry and then die.  Twas a bummer for sure.  Then the Week of Prayer for Christian Unity began and I found myself putting out fire after fire.  (((i usually like irony)))  This continues today.  It's like the moon won't stop being full.  I know this time the problem isn't menopause or MDD.  (((i don't think)))

There is fighting among Catholics over in Facebookville and here on the outside.  The Protestants are insulting the Catholics and the Catholics are insulting them back.  I try not to cross the line, but have turned on my caps lock for a few words, I admit,  though not to insult but to raise my voice.  I have been accused of attitudes and intentions which were unknown to me...cyber communication failures, I'm sure.  On the outside, the challenge to keep the caps lock off is more difficult.  Here I can't even keep track of all the fires around me these days.  The daily goal has become calmness and as much silence as I can endure.  Many things have helped me stay above the Total Crash Line.  The schedule, family, friends, food, prayer and the Church seem to be the foam for the fires right now.

I'm still trying...putting out the fires in my own head along the way...and very thankful to be hanging on...still.